“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” –Buddha
You awake in the morning and then it hits you. Last night you broke up with the love of your life. No do overs, it was the real thing. Instantly you feel sick to your stomach, your head aches, your whole body aches. All of the structure and backbone you’ve enjoyed for the last past years. Gone. All of the comfort and peace of mind when things were good, gone. You feel empty and weak. No energy, no desire to do anything. You just want to be left alone.
Unfortunately breakups are a very normal part of life and a daily occurrence around the globe. The truth is no matter how many times you been through it, It’s always a struggle.
For those trying to mend a broken heart I have 3 words for you. New New New. But before we get to that, the first step is to Allow Allow Allow.
-Allow yourself to cry and feel hurt. Let it out. If you want to cry and be alone, cry and be alone. If you want to cry on someone’s shoulder, then cry on someone’s shoulder.
-Allow yourself to be honest about the things you feel. Its one of the first steps in the healing process. Your heart and mind know it’s been rocked, so pretending the pain is not there by bottling it up is futile. Your mind will naturally wanders back onto the past. Don’t become frustrated, just don’t feed into them. One zen meditation teacher puts it,
“First of all, do not fight with your thoughts, do not try to stop them or do something to influence them, for to stop your thoughts you will use other thoughts. Thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky. If you do not pay attention to them, they are gradually depleted and the mind becomes pure. –Myong Gong Sunim, Zen, Path to Oneself
-Allow yourself to understand that these things take time, sometimes more time than others. This is a process and will need time to run its course.
-Resist the urge to put up a façade to mask the pain by grabbing the first girl or guy that comes your way just so you don’t look alone. This could make enduring it worst, prolonging it. Place your bulk of focus on real inner peace obtained by no band-aid.
-Resist the temptation for self-pity saying why me. Don’t wallow in a place of negativity and weakness.
-Resist the urge to give in to your ego. I know it felt good being with such a “__” person. You fill in the blank. And on top of everything else our ego is hurt and we know it. But more often than not what you’re yearning after was an ‘idea’ of something.
“You don’t miss the person you were with, you miss the person you were when you were with him or her. People are very egocentric. It’s our nature…We don’t remember the person we once loved because it isn’t possible. We never directly interact with people; we interact with our interpretations of them. And our interpretations are very malleable. We reach back and make changes to the way we understand people and things, as well as how we feel about them. “ –Paul Hudson, Elite Daily, You Don’t Miss The Person, You Miss The Idea of That Person
-Do Feel Empowered. Feel strong. Feel capable. Feel in charge of your life.
-Do Stay In The Moment. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. You don’t have to ponder the whole surmountable task to recovery. Get through tough days without breaking down by committing yourself to the task at hand.
-Do Stay Full of Faith. Lean on your friends or support group that you can confide in. They won’t allow you to go backwards.
–New Goals. It’s a perfect time to Re-Up. Back to the lab. Re-Focus. Immerse yourself into new initiatives. Further your career; try new hobbies you’ve always flirted with. Use this time to work on yourself. ‘A better you will attract a better mate’. A cliché, but I firmly believe in this one.
–New Friends. Meet new people whom you find interesting. Expand your horizons. Break down old paradigms. It needn’t be romantic if you’re not ready. Strengthen relations with family and friends that had weakened.
–New Environments/ Adventures. Not in attempt to run away from issues. But in effort of making your mind anew. Visit out of town friends. Take a vacation. Join a fitness club. New stimulus is healthy.
Since the healing has to primarily come from the inside. Healing your spirit is most important. Prayer and meditation is powerful. Nothing is more powerful. It you don’t have a regular routine, this is an opportune time. Start a regiment. Someone once said sometimes the best way to help yourself when you can’t, is to help others. A great way to immediately lift your spirits and work up some pretty good karma too!
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that some people aren’t special and hard to replace. I won’t say that, because I know better. But I will tell you where your confidence should be. You have to believe no matter how special that person was, that you can find another just as special. And if not, find a place where you can be fine with that also. We don’t have to compare suitors to ‘the one’ or past loves. Each person has their own gifts and talents and enrichments to bring to your life. Enjoy them for what they are.
Listen, your book is not over so turn the page. Even after being broken in two by the love of your life. The world is still a very amazing place. Faith Forward.
Sade- The Moon and The Sky
Rascal Flatts- What Hurts The Most
Linkin Park- Shadow of the Day