The Aura of Passion

 

The phone rings it’s my good friend Robert. Me- “Whats up Rob!”  Rob- “Maaan bro, Im through! Im done! I’m never dating again. F*#k this shit”  Me – “why what happened?” Rob – “Saturday, me, my brother and some friends went to Xen lounge in Pasadena for his birthday and guess who I see. Angie!, and some dude alone at a booth. I was like WTF! I couldn’t believe it.” Me – “Whaa!, What did you do?” Rob – “I just flashed her look and walked away. She calls me the next day and says she has something to tell me. I’m like save it girl. She goes, you don’t understand, the guy you saw me with is Brian, my ex, He’s back from his tour, we’re getting back together, I still love him. I was floored, in 3 months she hasn’t mentioned him once. And all of a sudden this! Everything was going so good. They’re all liars’ man, I don’t trust anyone anymore.” Me – “Yea I know bro, it’s a cold game.” 

Scenes like this one are a daily occurrence. Visit any coffee house or cocktail lounge and you can overhear two discontented women discussing their boyfriend’s latest indiscretions. The culture of courting between men and women is evolving to nothing more than a manipulative mating power struggle with aspirations of procurement, convenience, and indulgence over communion and love. Bringing me to the cliché that rings profoundly in my head, “All’s fair in Love and war.” Hmm. What I ponder is; Can The Dating Game be fixed? Or are we just bound to accept things the way they are?

Fact, Dating is a game. Like it or not. Listen in; “Being too eager is a turn off! Not acting interested is sometimes the best way to spark interest.” –Serena Kang, socialite, Facebook post. “Unfortunately this is true. What sucks is if you actually are into the person but you have to play “the game” and act all standoffish. Dumb. Should just be able to keep it real!” –Amber Phillips, actress Facebook response to post. For whatever reason we are wired that way. If something comes too easily we assume it must have low value. Our interest needs to be sparked, sex appeal stimulated, our spirit engaged. And this is what a measure of “The Game” accomplishes. It’s simple human nature. But, somewhere along the way it went too far and sincerity became the opponent.

The genius mind, Albert Einstein was once quoted saying, “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” Granted he wasn’t referring to keeping company but think about it, every game has rules right? Learn the rules then you can play. Wherein lays the issue. There are no rules in dating anymore. Very few follow some. The same as not having any. In countless conversations with singles, male and female, I hear the same dating predicaments over and over.

 Admittedly, dating and relationship hurdles are nothing new. You can see it in literature and music going centuries back. From Shakepeare, to Ella Fitzgerald, to the Rat Pack. They entertained with lyrics about the same courtship quandaries we deal with now. But it’s our modern approach and handling of these dilemma’s that has snowballed everything. Here’s lyrics from a popular R&B song describing the condition of young love these days “We live in a generation of, not being in love, and not being together But we sure make it feel like we’re together Because we’re scared to see each other with somebody else” – Drake, ‘Doing It Wrong’

A very candid and honest assessment if you ask me. That’s why not rushing in is still a smart move. “Taking it slow lets it unravel and keeps it fluid” –RJC. For the most part people are swept up into an ideology; approaching dating and their relationships like the bad business model that is so prevalent. The win/lose paradigm. If someone is winning then someone’s got to be losing. It’s a mentality of scarcity and greed. Bump that! When two people are inspired to collaborate life journeys, the joy is in finding ways to make it mutually beneficial. If you’re compatible that should be easy to do. I’ve seen lots of people enter the dating realm treating the opposite gender as the enemy. Swords drawn, doomed from the onset.

 “I feel like if a guy thinks he’s playing me, he’s not playing me, he’s playing himself, cus I’m a keeper.” -Sheila, bachelorette. Play win/win. Think with a win/win mentality. It’s more work because it involves taking our big fat ego out of the equation! Our ego doesn’t get so greedily stroked, like it often begs to be. With our big fat ego out of the way, we see a lot clearer and receive a much deeper fulfillment. It’s easy to get caught up in the fast lane whirlwind and lose your footing. The glitz and glamour of the big city is enticing. Recall the smart advice your folks gave you, everything that glitters isn’t gold. Beware, that scene is infested with the most charismatic snakes and opportunists. Know what you are looking for and know it when you meet it, not just by looks and words, but more importantly by acts. Some find reassurance in the wisdom of mentors and seasoned veterans. In any case, stand up for yourself and your values regardless of which way your support group of friends sway. First and foremost find Yourself! Find your own sense of identity and hold to it. Discover what integrity feels like within you. Being your own man/woman is way more sexy anyway sense a lot people are just clones, dying to fit in. Always remember one thing, not anyone could ever beat you at doing you!

 “I was given this world I didn’t make it”, some excuse playing shady as the only way to give themselves a fighting chance, a leg up? Well hey. A word to the wise, whatever course of action you choose, Karma is real, and whatever goes around, comes right back around. That’s universal law. It’s a sad thing to see a good person gone bad. Another member joins the Broken-hearts club. Once bitten twice shy. Carrying around the burden of hate and resentment is rottenness to the bones. Doing that is only going to affect your own happiness not anyone else, it’s “like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” But that’s your prerogative! To love who you wanna love! Some people date to find a trophy mate, some date to find a mate with resources. It’s also in your best interest to understand the inherent challenges that come with your particular style of preference. Sometimes we learn that which we are very attracted to is not so good for us compatibility-wise, turning us into something we are not. “Don’t be a hard rock, when you really are a gem” –Lauryn Hill. There’s nothing more frustrating than repeating the same mistakes.  

From my experience, people who consider themselves of real value, don’t play a lot of juvenile games, nor do they give time and energy to something that is not reciprocating it. Their mentality is, meet me halfway. I find that admirable. It’s exhibiting simply that if I bring my effort, you bring your effort. “If you want to be trusted, be honest. If you want to be honest, be true. If you want be true, be yourself.” If your dating strategies are beginning to resemble all the trickery of a championship chess match, you’re doing too much. If dating is breaking you down making you bitter, causing you to lose focus of your priorities, take a break from it. “We want what we want right at the moment we figure out that we want it. We are willingly giving up one of the most important things in life: the waiting period. Having to wait and having to deal with our urges and wants without instantly having them satisfied is what builds character and is what we are now lacking in this fast-paced age.“ Paul Hudson- ‘Why Men Aren’t Really Men Anymore’   

I’m a firm believer in timing. A better you will attract a better partner. Be the kind of partner that you’d want. “I’m learning trust is a two-way street. You can’t expect someone to trust you, when you don’t trust them.” -Crystal Orsini, debutante actress. Be honest with yourself and be up front with your prospects. If you lose you lose. I say take it on the chin. I’ve seen individual’s become caught in a pattern of taking steps designed to protect themselves, eventually forming a paradigm that entraps them into their own sub par level of game. Never materializing the results they really seek. “Hate is not the first enemy of love. Fear is. It destroys your ability to trust.” –Jewel Santini, model/actress.  

To minimize the roller coaster of dating we have to make sure “we are not getting in our own way”. For example if bad boys, bad girls happen to be your personal preference, don’t be surprised to find out you did not tame your beloved rebel when they start to demonstrate their restless antics. Finding a mate is a balancing act between heart and mind, or should I say desire and reason.

In years of watching relationship dynamics there have only been a handful of couples that I have admired and inspired me. They all had 1 thing in common. They were partners. There was energy of friendship and respect in their relationship. No, they didn’t possess parallel personalities; no they weren’t connected at the hip. It was their comparable perspective and philosophy on life that grounded them. They understood they were both on the same team. They were each other’s #1 Fan. No underhanded tricks, just common courtesies and a solid pact.

I do agree with author Steve Harvey on an aspect, “Don’t hate the player, Change the game!” –Steve Harvey. “The Game” which turns weak people into liars is here to stay. You can’t change or control what the herd does. But you can change your own microcosm world of the game. Do not fear the game, or think you need to avoid any level of risk whatsoever. Living is how you learn, mistakes is how you grow. Just know you don’t have to become a victim or casualty of the game becoming jaded forever. Conducting yourself with confidence and self-respect is all the protection you need. Make it “work” for you. Change how it entreats you, how it affects you, How it immerses you. A personally tailored version just for you. “Respect the game and the game will respect you back.” Maintain your good resolve, character and eventually you will be rewarded.

 

What are your major concerns about the dating game. Let’s chop it up!

 

 Inspired songs

Doo Wop (That Thing)- Lauryn Hill

Maybe I deserve – Tank

Doing Too Much- Paula Deanda

Just like me – Jamie Foxx

When I Fall in Love – Nat King Cole

On the run (part II) – Jay Z ft. Beyonce

 

 

 

It’s a catatonic rapture you give your very soul to! A reverie you’ve feasted upon and are now a glutton for. The dopamine, the flush head, the deep breaths, the teeth grind, the lip bites. All leading to the anesthetic trance. Body and mind numb to all but the pleasure. So exhausted, yet overflowing with nervous energy. Limbs debilitated with a slight twitch. A high, a natural high, you’re afraid to come down from. Its your favorite delectable cocktail you greedily gulp like a lush. You drink and drink, but you get no fill, like a bottomless pit. Eyes draping to the rear of your head, like take me! Right before you crossover into an inebriated Daze. A clinched demeanor preceding paralysis. Overdosed! Capable of turning you into a drug fiend, a passion drug fiend. Destitute to its release! Devoted to its absolution. You’ve escaped to La La land. You’re under a sex spell.

What strange sorcery is this, such a tranquil hypnosis. This is beyond a mere orgasm. In fact it often succeeds multiples in occurrence. A mood far removed from any dismal existence.  No fears, no worries.

“A study conducted by QueensUniversity in Belfast, Ireland, found that sex on a regular basis is not only healthy for our bodies but also improves our overall length of life.” –Forbes.com

You might recall the movie, “How Stella got her Groove Back.” Novel idea I know, lol but its true. A much needed readjustment can work wonders! It could put you back on track feeling rejuvenated. I believe it 100%, great sex can be like that. But be careful, the right tool has the power to put you back on track or De-rail you. Choose an honest mate. Sex spells can be one helluva motivator.

“Man must not live upon bread alone.” In the realm of the universe you are more than blood and tissues requiring edibles for sustenance. What does that mean? You need to live on sex too! Lol. No but, that sounds good. Satisfying sex is not just nourishment for the body, its medicine for vitality. I’m talking about flow! Spiritual flow! Has much to do for your perspective, your demeanor. your confidence. The energy you exude that is your aura. In the ancient east it’s called, ‘Kama’ and ‘Artha’. Your overall sense of well-being. It’s how people can tell when your “getting some” and when you’re not. To an ‘aware individual sex benefits can reach even beyond an orgasm. It’s a whole other world. An escape! “Tell me you don’t want me to stop, tell me it would break your heea-aar-rrt” –Robin Thicke “Lost without u”.

But wait, wait, wait. Before you rush off on a trek to never never land and have your lover stroke you into oblivion. Something should be clear. You can’t just demand the energy. It’s a gift, its on loan, you get to borrow it, not command it. Don’t crash upon it. It’s not the big bang theory. You don’t get knocked into it. (well, kinda lol. No pun intended). First you must appease it. Gradually build up to the crescendo! The fried synapses help you float into it. When you feel it, transcend away. Free yourself of conscious thought. Like drifting deep into the ocean blue. It’s as if you’ve reached the peak and are granted a stay at its plateau wherein lies a perpetual dispense of euphoria. Capture it and relish it. The greater the desired impact, the more meticulous the approach. So don’t march into this journey like a power-hungry incompetent. Let it come. Diced Pineapples chorus – “Do it all night, til things get right.”

There is no finish line here you’re not looking for an ending. You’re completely in the moment. Surrendered to an eternal session. Seek your mate’s spirit out, connect with the passion, connect to the gratification, connect to the spell. You must give in, put your back into it, put your soul into it.  No sun is rising or setting on you. You’re free to let lose, you’re free to just be. If your mate needs help finding the zone, talk to them in that sexy voice, speak to them, let them know what you’re a feeling, give them details of your fulfillment. You are their sex toy. You’re here for them. Be a giver! Lyrics from Kelly Rowlands, Motivation, “And when we’re done, I don’t wanna feel my legs. I just wanna feel your hands all over me,…oh Lover, No other can do that the same. I wont let ya get up out the game, so lover gon and make me rain.” Spicy lyrics indeed.  It’s a fully vested initiative. At least until you can catch that wave. And ride it like pro Hawaiian surfer Big Kahuna style. If you want a cupid arrow through your soul mate’s heart. Then murder them. Right here. Right now. Stay in unison. Match their energy and infuse them with yours, move for move, stroke for stroke, position for position. Leave your darling in want “You got that lazy love, You got that I don’t wanna, That I wanna go no where,…that I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna do nothing” – Neyo Lazy Love

 Mix the few ingredients and assimilate them into an elixir. Love potion #9. lol. Its ignited from at least one of 3 ways and for 3 reasons. Ways: a) Infatuation b) Love or c) Prowess-spawning inundated relaxation. Reasons: a) Spirit-awareness. The Kamasutra calls the sexual energy, “Kundalini, aroused from the’ Root (chakra)-base of the spine, and travels up through and energizes all the chakras, revitalizing body and spirit.’ and b) Hormonal activity-neurotransmitters, dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin are helping fuel your lust and craving and c) Time-extended play, effects of being in such a state for such a length of time. “Endorphins are released during long, continuous workouts, when the level of intensity is between moderate and high, and breathing is difficult. This also corresponds with the time that muscles use up their stored glycogen… has also been known to create feelings of euphoria and happiness.”  -Wikipedia. We could go further, but you get the point.

People call it different things, dick drunk, the zone, pussy whipped. If you’ve never been there, you may be skeptical. It’s literally like Robin Thicke calls it “Sex Therapy”. You need it. It keeps calling you. Deep puddles of love nectar, Seizure-like orgasms, puppy dawg eyes, constant requests for more, are all signs you are on the right path. Now go forth and conjure!

Ever been under someone’s sex spell? What was so special about them? Leave a message, Lets chop it up.

 

Inspirational Songs:

Rkelly- Echo

Sex Therapy – Robin Thicke

Novacain- FrankOcean

High for this- The weeknd

2012 – Chris Brown

 

A passion clad 15^th century young Knight, about to compete in his country’s most prestigious jousting tournament, summons his love. Being the star-favored, he wants to tell her, he’ll be winning this jousting tournament for her. She however says he’d win anyway for his own pride, and if he really loved her he’d lose for her. Surprised, he thinks about it, then accepts her challenge going on to do just that, ‘sitting still and getting slammed repeatedly by his opponents’ lances until she relents and informs him that, if he loves her, he won’t lose another match.’ Reinvigorated, her young stud bounces back to pummel his opponent, winning the tournament after all. Now ultimately reassured, she confesses her everlasting love for him.

When you hear stories like this, right away you know it must be from another era or fiction literature. And aptly so it’s a scene from one of my fav movies ‘A Knight’s Tale.’ A medieval romantic story! Some historian’s place the birth of Romance back to this time, after the end of the dark ages. It was much more than some brief period of infatuation during courtship. It was true grit! What happened to such noble, charming, grandiose manifestations of adoration? And why don’t most people think about enchanting their mates with such endearment?  All good questions.

Can you picture NFL quarterback Tom Brady purposefully losing the Super bowl game to prove his “undying” love for his model girlfriend Gisele Bundchen? Highly unlikely. Lol. So what’s my point? Well that’s exactly how you can interpret Romance, as foolish, impractical and illogical. Today we are much quicker to put limits on our love. A perspective which is not so conducive to romance. We now think in a more selfish nature. To corral love, to maintain it, to arrange it tidy and neatly, so as to be sensible about it. Ideals coming from the opposite place of which Romance flows.

Everything has changed, we are sidetracked now. Simply put, we’re too busy to care. Too busy balancing life’s whirlwind and managing the necessities. Even for those with half a mind to gratitude augment their relationship are left with little time for it. So we leave it unattended, to be trampled upon. Romance sounds more like an antiquated luxury than anything else. Its just not practical. Are we listening to ourselves?  Practical has very little place when it comes to Romance and Passion, to your mate’s spirit moving through you, about you, energizing you, inspiring you, fortifying you. That isn’t nothing to be ashamed up. This is something to be highly sought after. An object of envy. Have humans evolved to the point where we don’t need Love and Romance? Sure we’re in a technology age, things move lightning fast. But has our basic human needs changed? Personally, I don’t think so. I bet we just arrest our contemplation of it to stop fancying it. Romance just so happens to be a basic psychological need. The Maslow’s hierarchy of needs diagram lists; “A fulfilling relationship” of Love and intimacy. Psychologist William James says “The deepest principle of humans is the desire to be appreciated.” Somehow we’ve poked our own eyes out, blinded ourselves of who we are at our core. Have we gained anything in the 21^st century by being more sensible about love? Im not sure, but it seems that less and less people are choosing to believe in the institution of marriage.

The saying is, You can’t gain big unless you’re willing to lose big. Very true for matters of the heart. Fear of the risk, fear of putting ourselves out there. Playing it safe. This is why most us never really get to live, merely exist! My favorite moment from another popular romantic comedy ‘Serendipity’, is when the best friend of the main character tells him an Epictetus quote  – “If thou wouldst make progress, be content to seem foolish and void of understanding with respect to outward things. Care not to be thought to know anything.” All that means is, if you aim to have a higher love, equipped with a healthy dose of Romance. If a passionate relationship is the only kind you will settle for. Don’t look at what your friends do, nor care what they say.

From my vantage point, when I look at the state of the concept of romance It seems to have been hijacked. Taken hostage for financial gain by big business. Why, because they can. Because we let them. I suspect many people don’t even know what Romance is anymore. Curious, I looked up the definition of romance in the dictionary. Here’s a glimpse from three sources; 1. Webster’s : a medieval tale based on legend, chivalric love and adventure, or the supernatural  2. Cambridge: a close, usually short relationship of love between two people 3. Babylon English: love affair, amour; tall tale, tale filled with exaggeration; narrative or poem about chivalry and/or heroic adventures.  WTF! What the hell are you talking about? Is what I was thinking. No wonder people don’t know what Romance is. No wonder we spend thousands of dollars searching for these remote luxuriant places, Affluent restaurants, diamond-studded jewelry, all to capture a sense of it. We are lost, we rely on someone else to tell us what it is.

We better figure it out for ourselves quick!, before they make it so expensive that you can’t afford it. But Im telling you, you can have romance right here, right now, regardless of surroundings. Our modern day misconstruement of values doesn’t help clarify things either. Like groupthink we perpetuate the synonymy Romance=Luxury. Don’t get me wrong. Im not a hypocrite. That shit is nice. But that shit doesn’t define Romance. Don’t cheapen Romance like that. It is much more than simply superfluity. Let yourself ever get really pissed off for some odd reason, or get into a really bad fight with your mate while on location at one of those lavish destinations, and suddenly all of the millions of dollars in extravagant ambience wont feel soo enchanting. The feeling won’t even be able to penetrate you. It would be like giving tons of gold to someone who’s dying of thirst in the desert. Irrelevant! And yes, Romance is a feeling people!! It’s the end result of applying the romantic principles.

It’s not the price of the gifts and services that makes it romantic. It’s the value that it holds to the recipient. “To truly romance someone, you must truly get to know them.” Know what they value. You have to know what emotional deposits are from their frame of reference, not yours. In a relationship romance is an investment. And it pays good dividends. You wouldn’t think of making countless withdrawals from your bank without ever making a deposit now would you? No difference. Make those romantic deposits. What happens if you don’t put more wood on the flame? Fire goes out. You’ll be hard-pressed to find many good examples in today’s media or celebrity couples of true romance. See in his time, a knight was a staple in his community, a leader. His endearment example was seen by all, and commonly respected. People sought to have a sense of that for them, perpetuating the aura.

It’s time for us to take back Romance from greedy merchants and Debeer’s! Romance is OURS! And they didn’t invent it. You! are going to have to demand Romance for yourself . Just because you don’t have unlimited resources to provide expensive gifts doesn’t mean you can’t Romance your lover.

The feeling of romance is derived from a fulfillment of needs. Made possible by applying the principles of Romance. The principles of Appreciation, Humility, and the ‘little things’. A deep heartfelt gratitude! No need to tally romantic acts, gifts, or destinations. Just use the principles.

A story I read once illustrates it perfectly, It goes…”A wife had recently joined a self-improvement program. In it, she was directed to go home and ask her husband to list 6 things she could do to help her become a better wife. She does, and the husband, not telling her that he had thought of six things right away, had the immediate hind-thought, if she wanted she could list a thousand things about him. So he replies, ‘Hmm, let me think about it overnight and give you an answer in the morning.’ The next morning he gets up very early, calls the florist and have them send 6 red roses to his wife with a note saying ‘I can’t think of  six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’ When he arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted him at the door! That’s right. His wife! She was almost in tears. Boy was he glad he had not criticized her as she had requested.” That story epitomizes it. That husband was thinking with a ‘romantic mind’, one of appreciation and consideration.

Most of Romance is about making emotional deposits. This is done by knowing your mate, knowing which kindness’ which gestures matter most to you mate, you can make pivotal key deposits. The little deposits add up. Like saying please, thank you, can I help you, and I’m sorry, when applicable. I believe its as keynote speaker Stephen Covey says “See ultimately this small kindness’, this gentility, this consideration, this respect, builds huge deposits, similarly small discourtesies, small unkindness’, little forms of disrespect eventually create huge withdrawals from the emotional bank account…the little things are the big things.” That’s Romance! Its not some four million dollar diamond ring, because you fucked up.

I admire Beyonce’s  song “Cater to you”

“Baby, I see you working hard I want to let you know I’m proud Let you know that I admire what you do The more I need to reassure you”
A beautiful song reinstating what Romance is about. Just follow the principles.

The Principles

Romance is Appreciation– like catering to your love. Breakfast in bed, Massages, dancing the night away with them, gifts, date nights.

Romance is the “Little things”- like compliments, common courtesies, small considerations, love notes, thoughtful texts, holding hands.

Romance is Humility– like compromising, respect, communicating, sharing.

The other day a friend of mine who is single, asked me “what is wrong with the guys these days?” she said on dates they have no manners, know nothing of etiquette. I didn’t have an immediate answer for her. But what I was thinking was, who picked these guys? A lot of these mistakes are just ignorance, disrespect or selfishness. These guys obviously are not trying to romance you. Those guys are just begrudgingly putting in “work” until they can get to the nookie, as fast as they can, as least involved as they can. And many times in these guys world, woman let them get away with that. Evidently very little value is placed on the small things. Watch the principles he applies, Does he treat you with respect, is he own time, makes sure your needs are met. If your date’s values are not in line with yours, its on to the next. Romance is caring. It’s Respect.

Many women today say a good man is hard to find. That chivalry is dead. I always wonder who killed it. Lol. You see many women are screaming for romance and don’t even know it. They don’t even know what’s missing. They just know that something is. Somewhere along the way, it became characterized that romantic guys are dweebs, corny weaklings, overly sensitive softies, too insecure to be strong. I say it’s quite to the contrary, to display romance one must be full of confidence, often a leader, not caring what others think of him and his displays. A caterer, someone who would display a sense of humility, and be protective of those he loves. Someone who is not deceitful, strongly attached to his mate, manifesting loyalty.

The expression goes “Its easy to fall in love, but much harder to stay there.” That’s what romantic love is about. Staying there! I’ve heard some artistic, thespian, Shakespearean-like renditions of “Romance’ implying it to be affection so compelling because of its perpetual unattainable-ness. As if its sexiness, its lure, its Passion is tied to it’s ever unfulfillment. As if by universal law it is destined to stay on the move. I disagree; somehow I feel they only propagate this enigma because they, as many people don’t know how to keep it. It is easier to accept that it automatically must leave. Perhaps the; “and they lived happily ever after” idea just isn’t provocative, seductive enough. True Romance takes work! It takes planning and preparation. Too often we get the guy or the girl, and we get lazy, saying I don’t need to impress them, I’ve already got them. Don’t do that. Strive to Live romantically Everyday. The significance, the spirit is priceless! The emotional contributions will keep your relationship Passionately wealthy!

How do you feel about romance? lets chop it up! leave a comment.

 

Inspired Songs

I’ll Make Love to You – Boys II Men

For the First Time – The Script

Envision, Fire! Heat, trapped in a container swelling approaching combustion! Or a huge pot of scorching scalding hot boiling water, overflowing the top. That’s what it resembles. Taking a great ball of agitated energy and commanding it to lay motionless for a period, in this case a cataclysm of Lust. Imagine an intimate encounter that gestures time to stand still. Brain chemicals release infecting the furthest extremites of your limbs. More than a rush, more than a sensation, a continued flow, a sustained cultivation of exhilaration. It’s a passage on the road of ecstasy leading up to the gates of intercourse.

Do you cherish the intimate moments shared with your lover? That quality time strengthens your relationship!  Do you try to send planets in orbit when you kiss your lover! Im talking about demonstrating lover’s delight with real adoration. Is there a special someone that you’re ready to take it to the next level with? Well, there’s a fun little game I like to play.

This game may not be for everyone. So ask yourself first, do you?

• Believe in the Art of Making Love (oh it is an art!). As in savoring the moment. Aiming to please.
• Take pride in connecting with your lover.
• Appreciate and understand the subtleties of lovemaking and why it’s sometimes the small things that can set you apart.
• Love to Kiss!
• Believes that great foreplay is a perfect precursor for orgasmic sex.

If this describes you then welcome to the realm of Passion. That electricity that can be felt when you touch someone. Watch them reflect your intent and energy, and say ‘Take it”. Lol. Passion is contagious, it’s endeared and reciprocated. Kissing games and sex games make great jumpstarts for it. So there’s this sexy amusement, I like to call it the hot and cold game. There’s all sorts of variations, lots of different activities, that’s the fun it, looking them up seeking them out.

The point of this contest is to make your lover SIZZLE! It can definitely lead to the tipping point where you both go all in. Evil grin.

As you read, try to “sense” what I’m saying. Picture yourself in the moment going through similar motions, experiencing the aura created.

The ambience is comfortable, relaxed, and tranquil. It should be conducive to undistracted focus without fear of interruption. The lighting, perhaps candle light, your choice as long as you can still see each other. For music-lovers, R&B or some other low tempo music playing in the background. No need to go out of your way to make it overly romantic. You are about to create with your own spirit, your own intent, a charming, euphoric vibe. Try sipping on wine or your favorite cocktail; not to get drunk, but to chill, slightly tipsy at most. At this point, there isn’t a care in the world, just you and your sweetheart. You are positioned very close to each other in some cozy manner. Real close eye contact, pupil close. You’ll want to be looking into your partners eyes for longer periods than normal. Its apart of the bonding.

If you’ve never done this before I recommend a listen to a song or two, which might aid in helping you get a feel for the sentiment and mindset you want to be in during this session. Listen to the song “I like” by Jeremih, It’s a good example of the feel and pace you want to approach it with. And a just plain cool song.  Songs like”12 play” by Rkelly relate you to the idea of a multi-stage intimate episode, like serving a multi course meal. So there you are, your playmate in front of you, you can feel the Deep energy, the attraction. What’s next?

Mentally get into character, think of yourself as the French Deep Sea Underwater Explorer, Jacques Cousteau on one of his deep sea odysseys.  Leave no stone unturned. But not all at once, you take it at pace, knowing you are on an erogenous zone hunt. Just like when hunting prize, you cant just rush in, you’ll alert the prey. Going straight for the kill is a no no. Start mildly and zone in as the fun progresses. You can take the foreplay as far as you want to go, clothes or no clothes depending on your comfort level and what hot spots you want to target. Being patient is the key, if you wanna win.

So the scene is set. Now you create the mood. Gaze into your companion’s eyes. Give them a look with real immersion, mixed with adoration. Talk to your mate with your eyes, don’t be afraid to express yourself non-verbally too, some things are best said without vocals. Appeal to the intangible, ironic as they may sound in a flesh gratification rendezvous. Say something with your expression like damn, im into you”, look away and then back at your mate, saying phrases like ‘I’m yours’ ‘damn I want you so much right now’ ‘I feel comfortable when I with you’ ‘‘you are all I need’.

Round one, you kiss them, they kiss you back. A delectable kiss, a titillating but brief, yea I know you want more of that kiss. Draw them out with this kiss just a little only. Let them start to get engaged, then stop, suddenly and quickly. Take their lip with you. Haha just kidding. Stroke your lover’s ego. Tell them their lips taste like skittles. “Giving her the right kiss can be a total game changer” says sex coach, Jenna Couture of jennatime.com.

So that’s one round. After each one, take a 5 minute break whilst getting vocal with some inquisitive questions like “how does that feel?”, “Is that how you like it? “ This is bonding time. Appeal to your mate’s ego. Tell them when you first saw them what you liked about them. What you were really thinking when you first got to meet them. Tell them some of the sexy things you like about them. Let your pride out the door for now. Get real, tell your mate what turns you on. You’re taking a breather but don’t bore them oh no, keep the topics intimate; you wanna slow down the mood, not kill it. If you aren’t good at talking passionately, maybe read some erotic fiction in between cycles. You can taunt them with dares if you are feeling brave, like “when its my turn next, I dare you to let me pour that hot wax on your…” Keep a level of tension, sexual frustration there, slightly cool off, but don’t put the Passion in the freezer, cus you’re about to heat it right back up in a minute.

Now it’s your turn again. Your mental rolodex spins, should I lick, a kiss, a caress, a stroke, a massage, a grab, a tug, a bite, use one of your most powerful tools, your imagination. Don’t rush, hell no. Breath deep, again, Breath deep. Tongue stroke the outer ear, teasing in circles with your tip, before engulfing the lobe in your chops, slightly nibbling savoring the taste and terrain. Whisper something titillating, “you get me really heated” Your mate lets out an “mmmm”. During intermissions look them in the eyes again, don’t be afraid to stare right into the iris. See if you can catch a glimpse of their souls. Can your see it. What kind of intuition do you pick up? Catch any erotic advice from it? Listen closer. Lol. Now where were we, time to get provocative! Summon your alter ego you should be feeling sexy. Seductively bite your lip, slowly reach behind your beloved’s head, and brush the hair aside to expose the Nape of their neck. Deep inhale, move in to blanket the surface with a slow breeze of thermal exhalation. Follow it with a tongue slither and some exquisite kisses.

Oh yes, you can feel the scene starting to dance with excitement. Stay focused; remember, giving your mate goose bumps means you are right on target. Take your lovers hand, support it facing palm up revealing the wrist. Use your other hand’s index finger and real softly and smoothly make a circular motion right at the bend point, then spiraling out. A few back and forth strokes using just the tips of your fingers can do wonders. It’s all in the hands. Add in some tongue pats, and your lover should have some chills. “Just kissing and touching places you’re not used to will draw extra excitement in the sheets!” relates Jenna Couture in one of her video blogs.

Getting back to the lips, like a smart boxer staying busy on the whole body, working upstairs, downstairs, then back upstairs for the knock out punch. In this long kiss we will savor the sweetness of candy lips and bubble gum tongue. Move in slow. Get in real close. Head tilt, Nose to nose, cheeks pressed. Teasing works great when you’re kissing. Don’t just dive right into a deep kiss, it should be tantalizing. Let’s mesmerize your lover with this long kiss. Have them fully engaged. “This is a highly erotic exchange, in which each lover is almost feasting with animal passion on the mouth of the other. You can really bond as you eat your way into this delicious kiss” tells Anne Hooper, in ‘Guide to the Kamasutra.’ Draw your lover out. Play with the energy back and forth. Take their lips, let them take yours. Tongue is good but not too much, mimic your suitor. Kissing is a conversation mouth to mouth. Hands can roam this time, caressing and exploring. But don’t get too sidetracked with multi-tasking. The priority is the kiss, zoned in. Synonyms for the word tantalize are torment and torture. For example, After your kiss if you were to tell your mate that there’s no sex tonight, and they don’t give you a look of disappointment. You didn’t kiss them right. Don’t really do that, it’s just an illustration.

Rivaling a tennis match. You go, they go, take turns. Cooling off, heating up, subduing the arousal, gradually guiding you to ecstasy. My example is just a start, this amusement can go on for hours, continuing to hit hot spots, behind the knees, her buttocks, inner thighs, breasts, clitoris. Do it right and you’ll be able to cut the sexual tension with a knife. As a matter of fact that’s the whole point, holding back the energy, the build up, the seduction, which at any moment wants to overpower you.

Try to feel what your mate is feeling. Imagine yourself experiencing their pleasure at the exact moment you are administering it. There is no real downtime in a love-making interlude, you are always experiencing either when giving or receiving. “Imagine that every touch you are bestowing on your partner can be felt by you”, Anne Hooper.

This entry is to inspire you to give the attention owed to foreplay, and get creative with erogenous zones. You don’t have to play a game every night with your lover; it will lose its appeal. Just as the John Mayer song says, ‘your body is a wonderland’. Every now and then set time aside for you and your mate to re-explore each other. It adds more dimensions to your sexuality, really making it more fulfilling. So much so, it becomes an highly anticipated precursor for both partners. I know as guys we a lot of time we love to skip the foreplay and get right down to the nitty gritty. This is just one of many games. Add in a Hot spot indicator, perform an act, ask your mate, on a scale of 1-10 how did it feel. A 1 being so so, 10 being OMG!  Take the foreplay as far as you want to go, Find the most unknown provocative spots on your mate’s body. Some lovers wager on who is the first to crack. Crack, as in can’t wait any longer. AarrgrGh!! If you prefer, incorporate some props to rub on the body like feathers, soft fabrics, oils, rollers, condiments etc. but honestly these aren’t prerequisites. Every couple is different. Put your own spin on it.

What activities do you like to play with your mate? Don’t be shy.  Leave a comment, let’s chop it up.

“Let her be the ocean. Encourage her to be as free as the ocean, as deep as the ocean, as wild as the ocean, and as powerful as the ocean.” -David Deida

Let’s peer behind the closed doors during a sexual episode, “Wow babe, damn baby, Oh my Gaawd, babay”. It’s not a porno, no acting, its actual bonding. Sounds you may hear from the love quarters of a sexually empowered couple. This session might have started with her giving him, The Look. A lick of the lips, a stroke down his back. Uttering a few illicit words, Some stimulating embraces with navigating hands, and fire hot foreplay resembling a steamy scene.

And so their intimate session went back and forth, until they both climaxed, like a well choreographed dance! Much of sex is like a dance two bodies moving in rhythm, working in harmony. This is why empowerment is so important, by both parties.

For “All the world’s a stage”, a popular quote in a play by the famous –William Shakespeare. I can’t think of anywhere this phrase is truer than in the bedroom when you’re performing for your #1 Fan. And this is the kind of show you not only aim to please, but want to be asked back for more than one encore! You’ve honed your skills through many rehearsals, so turn down the lights and produce some remarkable enjoyment. Every man loves it when he and his lady are both sexually liberated in the bedroom! While the concept is simple enough to understand, somewhere, somehow, something gets lost in translation. If preconceived erroneous notions of bedroom formalities by either partner enters the sex den, you can forget about creating a spectacular sexual collaboration with your partner.

All too often cultural morals, religious views, dominant male paradigms, or feminine stereotype paradigms has ill equipped us to be great sexual counterparts. When it comes to sex, in a way our society has done women a disservice. Women are taught they if they are too sexually expressive, indulgent, are just outright enjoy sex too much then they are sluts and dirty. Jessica Valenti in her book, ‘He’s a stud, She’s a slut: The Sexual Double Standard’ writes, “I was called a slut when I had the nerve to talk about sex. I was called a slut when I wore a bikini on a weekend trip with high school friends. It seems the word slut can be applied to any activity that doesn’t include knitting, praying or sitting perfectly still…” These are the types of situations and labels our women have to encounter. There are countless scenarios she may have to be dealing with, or trying to overcome while attempting to establish a good intimate relationship with her lover. The way I see it, your romantic escapades are up to her and you to define, and to create with pleasure.

Sexual empowerment can be an eye opening experience, but needs to be handled with the greatest of care. Each step of the way both partners need to feel understood, comfortable, and in control. Time will tell wether you are on two different wave lengths and just aren’t sexually compatible. A mate could be so sexually repressed or inexperienced that they don’t truly know how to relax and enjoy sex. If that’s the case be understanding and take things slow. More often than not it’s just a matter of getting both partners to open up. Determining if you two are sexually compatible shouldn’t be a major obstacle. As long as you are mostly on the same page when it comes to your bedroom antics.

Every mate has a kinky side and it’s up to you to find it. Theres a saying, “good girls are bad girls that never get caught”. Lol. Its funny but a lot of truth to it. Look at it as, its your job to help your partner find their sexual identity or as I like to call it, sexual ownership. It’s your job to find out your mates taboo fantasies if they have any. It’s your job to be your mate’s sexual caretaker. It’s you two’s private sexual odyssey, your journey to enjoy together.

In his article ‘5 Things Bad Boys Do In The Bedroom That Make Women Addicted To Sex’ Adam A Armstrong says “To demonstrate to your woman that you are strong and sexually confident, you must lead your woman in the bedroom. Real men lead in the bedroom, whereas weak men expect their women to take the lead.” I agree with some of that ideology, but not all of it. Young males learn this mentality, and that’s the extent of their knowledge for sexual dynamics with a woman. Take woman! Me Tarzan! You Jane!. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not advocating a man take some permanent submissive role in the bedroom and expect his lady to be some kind of Dominatrix (no offense if you’re into that sort of thing). The issue Im relating to here stems from our male dominant society. This is the reason that men can be totally oblivious to the idea of nurturing our female counterpart’s to also become great lovers. Maybe because we want it to be all about US, or maybe some other reason. But we need to Let it be about Her too! Just like a guy sexing up his woman can be a great ego stroke, a woman using her ‘sex intelligence to make his toes curl, can be a good ego boost as well. Recording artist The Dream has a song entitled “Sex Intelligent” yes, its an actual song title. In the song He goes on to brag about his sexual prowess and how addicted his lover is to his pleasure giving savvy. As men, this is what we aspire to in the bedroom. To us, this is the Pinnacle. To show her, Your expertise. And if the proof is in the pudding, ie; her multiple orgasms, lol, its hard to see why you argue otherwise. Except for one thing. You CAN argue otherwise. The level above this so called Pinnacle, is, Sharing The Stage, allowing your lover to express her sexual savvy, ownership, and Empowerment as well.

You know the expression iron sharpens iron. Yeah another cliché right. But it makes a great analogy. The more empowered and on top of her game your partner is, the better for the both of you. You have a legitimate ying and a yang. A compliment of each other, a complete circle. When one tool is constantly sharpening the other, or one energy source constantly re-energizing the other your capacity for intimate play and pleasure just increased exponentially. An empowered woman in a bedroom carries her own weight. She plays her part in the show. Breaking the mold of the average shell all begins with Empowerment! What are some ways to go about doing this?

Inviting your partner to increase their sexual aptitude should flow in a natural progression. One thing is for sure no amount of coercion is going to get you anywhere is the Relationship needs aren’t first met. “Women have difficulty separating sex from emotions such as closeness, attachment, trust, love and support.” says Dr. Jennifer Berman, MD of Medicinenet.com. So make sure your mate feels like you have her best interest at heart and aren’t being condescending.

Did you know that in order to successfully communicate, you have to meet in the middle. Empowerment isn’t about changing someone. We are talking about taking someone under your wing, developing them by communicating. Psychologically you have to understand where the other person is coming from for effective communication. Put yourself in there shoes so to speak. The same is with sexual empowerment and development; you first want to meet your mate halfway. Let her know how you feel, that you are unrestrained by male or feminine stereotypes, and she needn’t be bound by them either. The goal is to create an environment where sexual expression for one another is second nature, creative and frequent. Reassure her you have the utmost love and respect for her and what you do is between you and her ONLY.

 Because everything you do for a good woman, will come back to you a hundred fold. I promise you, you’ll be no less manly for it! You just might have created a beautiful Monster!

Let’s chop it out. Leave a comment of what you think it means to be sexually empowered.

 

Think back!, waay back. Remember when you had your First Real makeout session. That’s right; I mean the first Goood one. Recall the intense rush of emotions and ecstasy that overcame you. You might of even gotten light headed from the blood rush, hormones and brain chemicals racing all over the place. All of your senses suddenly heightened, heart pace quickened, there was surge in body heat and you zoned out, being swept up by that euphoric energy. “Bam! you thought, What is this?” and you were instantly hooked. That was your first taste of Passion!! And a quick reminder just in case you had forgotten. Lol. Passion is real and doesn’t have to be short lasting, Its even something you can experience over and over again with the same caring partner.

Sadly, everyday I hear about a relationship that’s lost its intimate Passion or about one that never really had it. And I cant help but think, wow that couple is really missing out, and it happens, more often than we think. “Sex, or “the cookie” …is a major point of contention for many couples. If you don’t think it’s important…you’re wrong!” says Steve Harvey in his popular bestseller. And I have to agree with him. Once that’s the case, the handwriting is on the wall so to speak, you know what’s next, cheating and eventually break up. The numbers say that when women cheat, 40% of them do so for the “emotional connection” which is lost in their relationship. And 40% of the males that cheat do so for variety. I dare to say a lot of couples don’t maintain a real passionate sex life. Imagine if they did, sure, the connection the women mean comes before the sex, but consider this, if you engaged in passionate intimacy with your partner on a regular basis, you would attest to its power as a relationship strengthener. The very nature of true passionate bonding reinforces and maintains emotional connection. Passion is men’s and women’s ally. I’ll tell you what, when you come with passion and enthusiasm in the bedroom, you raise the skill bar, making it harder for other “tempters” to measure up. Your mate will be less likely to stray from where he or she already has it “good”. That’s just real talk. And in general, the experts say that most people cheat for the ‘Thrill’ it brings. Duhh! Cus that’s Passionate! The point is, Passion = mate sexually satisfied.

Fortunately, the single most important factor needed to bring Passion is not too difficult to do. It’s a tweak in our thinking. That’s right, a mental focus shift we can learn to come equipped with before you even touch your lover. Let’s delve in a little deeper to my take of what Passionate sex is and then ill explain.

First let’s draw a clear distinction of what it is not, or how passionate sex differs from sex. Generally speaking we’ll make 3 categories of sex. a) strictly physical sex, b) Love sex, and c) Passionate sex. For the sake of being blunt, strictly physical sex is otherwise known as, ‘fucking’. No explanation needed, no emotional connection is trying to be made here. Next, Love Sex, otherwise know as ‘love-making’ And finally the 3^rd which is what Ill call (At Will) Passionate sex. I know what some of you are thinking Love making can sometimes be passionate, mmm, it can, have some passionate overtones, more specifically in the beginning. But allow me to continue and we will dissect a little more. If you take an honest look at it, love making doesn’t remain potent and sexually satisfying over long periods of time because it becomes routine and mundane. Even when you’re still in love with that person.

While beautiful it is, with love making you more or less rely on the Passion to come automatically, like it does when a sexual partner is new. Simply because you’re ‘in love’ or are feeling frisky! And like gas in a tank, Love momentum runs out and fails to spark the passion flame. Let’s see, what are the ingredients of Love sex? Its loving, tender, reassuring, emotionally connecting, tame, its calculating, practical, predictable, lackluster, its DULL! What are the ingredients of Passionate sex? Its lustful, energetic, bountiful, emotionally connecting, has major intent, unselfish, a lot of giving and taking, has properly timed aggression, its pleasure provoking, still loving, and captivating! Relate it to your taste buds, and imagine if your favorite Italian dish was prepared with only a couple sprinkles of salt and some pepper. Instead of the way you like, with basil, garlic, rosemary, sage, oregano, marjoram, paprika, thyme, and cilantro. See what Im getting at.

You can say Passion is the best of both worlds, or all 3 sex categories we mentioned wrapped in one. It’s bonding on a physical, emotional, lustful, and spiritual level. You can relate to it, its close in feel to that beginning period when you are having sex with a partner that you are still highly infatuated with, you’re not in love yet, but you are ready to fall in love, you completely trust them, give into them, and are ready to bond with them, on the deepest erotic level. You enjoyed that period didn’t you, everybody does! And yet we feel that period inevitably has to end, and will eventually transition into “love making” sex, thus doomed forever. 😦 Until we can escape! 🙂

The good news is that everyone has in their power to release passion and make a deeper connection and stronger commitment to bonding with your mate in the bedroom. Is it some mystic unreachable level ? Not at all.  Its part of our makeup as human beings. “You are a whole person made up of body, soul, and spirit, when you make love with only your body, you’re getting only one third of the sex. Spirit and soul like sex too, and they add immensely to the pleasure”.-Thomas Moore. You don’t have to be religious to know that humans aren’t just flesh and bones, we are part energy, spirit, emotion, electric frequency, or however you choose to refer to it. And we can use the right mindset to access that spiritual energy of ourselves. Just like igniting something, in this case Passion. Passion is, communing on the Next level. Let’s just say if you follow the flow of Passion it’ll guide you to your sixth sense. What is that 6^th sense? it’s the power of Intuition. You intuitively now connect to your mates desires thus fulfilling them, leading to satisfaction.

It can make you feel like your very souls are uniting. Passion is when you savor every touch, every taste; it’s when you relinquish all thought, to become one with to moment, one with the connection, one with your mate, one with the electric current that is flowing between you two. It’s such a powerful mental escape; it can even make you environs, less of a priority. Remember it’s mentally sparked whenever you call on it, meaning it’s as powerful as you can be. At Will Passion isn’t dependant upon emotional steam. It creates it’s on own emotional drive. And that’s why your brain is the single most powerful tool here. You ever seen someone jumpstart a car? Conceptually its something like that. Metaphorically like flicking a switch, turning off everything else, all outside distractions, all interferences, no mental multitasking, and turning on the zone to one track mindedness and the realm of Passion and Intuition. It’s captivating, once you release it, your mate will feel it and join you. 

It’s a practice that you can learn to in grain deep inside you. If Passion is the car, The brain is the ignition. It need not have prerequisites; you don’t have to be tipsy, financially rich, or super infatuated to experience it. You don’t even have to be in love, though love adds to its power. It is merely conjured from a frame of mind, predicated from your desire to deeply connect. We all know there’s things about the brain scientist will never understand. The brain holds the key to the sixth sense. We can see this in so many areas, and just like it holds the intuition to many things, it also holds the X-factor to Passion. Yes there’s multiple ways to  spark passion but none quicker, more reliable, more sustainable, than self ignited passion (At Will).

 What is passion to you? Have you ever had any one of a kind passionate experiences? Leave a comment. Lets chop it up.